It has now been 6 months since we lost our Marmmaduke. But this past Christmas was our first without him in 9 years. He's just a dog many would say....but he wasn't just a dog to us. He was the patriarch of our family, and being a single mom so, basically, the man of the house. Haha Life without him hasn't been the same and I knew Christmas wouldn't be either.
It turns out for me, the time leading up to Christmas was much harder then the day itself. Even though I received some gifts in memory of Marm, I was able to stay tear free all day; which for me was quite an accomplishment. Who wants to cry on Christmas? Or get my kids all upset and feeling down? But I am a highly sensitive soul and just a memory can bring on the tears. So I've pondered why it was that I didn't get upset on Christmas. Maybe because I really don't keep my emotions bottled up. If I feel the need to cry, I do. And because of that I've allowed myself to deeply mourn Marmaduke for 5 whole months and, actually, long before. When I feel the need to talk about him or how much I miss him or shed some tears over him, I went ahead and did it...to my children mostly and even to Ziggy (Marmaduke's brother) at times; because they're the ones who share the loss of Marmaduke with me. So it's easiest to talk to them because they understand how I'm feeling more then anyone else could. They don't think it's silly I'm still crying over a dog. They don't think it's strange that I want pictures of him everywhere, or that I want to make his grave a very special place in my yard. They knew for years before we even lost Marm that it would be very hard on me when the time came. They knew I had a special bond with him. And I guess I really prepped them for it being that I cried for years mourning a death that had not yet come. I would cry (sob really) while holding Marm tight just because I knew he was getting so old, so fast. Because I knew that day would come sooner rather then later. I had been mourning losing My Marm years before I even lost him and I've just really realized this. But I don't regret it at all. I was honest with myself that he wouldn't live forever and that his days were numbered...and because of that I cherished every second with him, made sure I got lots of photos of him, gave him lots of special treats and snuggles and spent a lots of time talking to him and letting him know that I would miss him when he was gone and how much he had changed my life. I never kept my emotions in, never bottled them up, never felt ashamed of them and never tried to hide them away or ignore the fact that he was aging. I said what I needed to say, did what I needed to do and had no regrets. Of course none of that made it any easier to say goodbye but I do believe it's helped with the mourning process and maybe was how I was able to stay tear free on Christmas. I can now talk about him without always getting upset, which is nice but that doesn't mean I miss him any less.
What's really odd...is that since we lost Marm...Ziggy has aged so much in just these 6 months that it's like he morphed into Marmaduke. Losing his brother and best friend must have been very hard on him as well! And why wouldn't it have been....animals feel loss too.
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| Summer and my Mom made me this Marm pillow |
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| Before we lost Marm, the kids named our home Marmaduke Manor and my parents made us this beautiful sign. |
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